Category Archives: Low Budget

Rats: Night of Terror (1984)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 2 out of 10

4-Word Review: Rats rule the world!

Years after a nuclear holocaust has turned the earth’s surface into a scorched wasteland, a group of bikers known as scavengers descend into an abandoned building for shelter. Little do they know that the place is infested with large rats that, in their desperate need for food, have become particularly keen to human flesh and attack the group and devour each member one-by-one.

The film was written and directed by Bruno Mattei who was known as the Italian version of Ed Wood. The low-grade production values and uninspired dialogue quickly become apparent, which sucks the viewer into a listless and joyous experience from the get-go. The biggest issue are the rats and although I was happy to see that real ones where used this to a degree is what kills the tension because they are never seen attacking anyone. All they do is go about their normal rat behavior, which is scavenging for food while the rest of the cast, wearing tacky outfits like they are leftover members of an ‘80s punk band, make total fools of themselves trying to act frightened.

In some ways though this is the one thing that I liked, which was watching these rats scurrying around as it looks like hundreds of them were thrown onto the set forcing them to climb over each other and even climb up things, which to a strange degree is fascinating to watch. The movie would’ve been far better had it dumped its whole cheesy premise, as well as the human characters, and just turned itself into a nature documentary focusing on how rats behave and forage for food. Some are actually kind of cute and I was upset to see that a few were set on fire as no animal of any kind should’ve lost their life for this stupid thing.

In the end though the plot goes nowhere and the majority of the action takes place in what looks to be a dingy, grimy basement of a warehouse, which visually makes things quite static. The acting is atrocious and the twist that comes at the very end is quite predictable and something most viewers will see coming long before it finally does.

My Rating: 2 out of 10

Released: August 3, 1984

Runtime: 1Hour 37Minutes

Not Rated

Director: Bruno Mattei

Studio: Artist Entertainment Group

Available: DVD, Amazon Instant Video

Gimme an ‘F’ (1984)

gimme an f

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 1 out of 10

4-Word Review: Cheerleaders compete for prize.

Bucky Berkshire (John Karlen) is the proprietor of a local cheerleading camp. He hopes to build an even bigger one with the help of some Taiwanese investors. However, they will only put up the much needed capital if Bucky agrees to sign Tommy (Stephen Shellen), who works as the cheerleading coach at the camp, to a 5-year contract. Bucky and Tommy do not get along and Tommy, who is 25, thinks he has gotten too old for the position and needs to move on. Yet Bucky feels he has no choice but to cut him a deal. If Tommy can get a group of teen cheerleaders known as the Ducks to beat the perennial winners known as the Falcons at the annual cheerleading competition then he’ll pay Tommy a whopping $10,000, but if they lose then Tommy will be forced to continue to work for Bucky for another 5 years.

I remember this film being scheduled on Cinemax in the ‘80’s during its late night hours, which gave me the impression that it was a raunchy T&A feast, but in reality it really isn’t. In fact during its entire runtime there is less than 10 seconds of actual nudity, which isn’t enough to make it worth watching. Some may say that makes me sound like just another sexist, leering male, but when the material is this inane what else is there about it to sell? Certainly not its so-called comedy, which is virtually laughless and on a 5-year-old’s level if even that and the plot is equally trite as it clearly conforms to the age-old David-and-Goliath formula where the viewer knows from the get-go that loser will obviously end up winning the thing no matter how much the odds are stacked up against them and what’s the reason to watch something if you know exactly how it’s going to end from the very beginning?

One viewer, who admits this is not a very good movie, said its one ‘saving grace’ was the cheerleading routines done at the end during its climactic showdown, which he felt were well choreographed, but to me it was just more cartwheels, twirling and dance line routines that if you’ve seen once then you’ve seen it a million times. Even if it had been spectacular it still wouldn’t warrant sitting through the rest of it, which is quite trifling to say the least.

Venerable character actor Karlen, who was the only veteran member of the cast, lends some credibility with his presence, but it isn’t much. Star Shellen is completely transparent in the lead despite having a teen heartthrob of a face. His character is shown doing very little training anyways and seems to shift the majority of the burden off to his assistant Roscoe (Mark Keyloun).

Beth Miller is equally weak as the female lead and although she is very cute she has no ability to effectively do a comic pratfall of which she is required to do several. The only thing she does get right is the way her eyes well up with tears from her embarrassment after she does one.

Although her character isn’t any better written than any of the others I could still tell right away that Daphne Ashbrook, in her film debut, was a far stronger actress than any of the others and it is no surprise that her career continued to flourish while the rest of them disappeared into obscurity. Although for the record Jennifer Cooke, who plays the bitchy character of Pam, did find success later in her life helping to run the Celestial Seasonings Tea chain.

My Rating: 1 out of 10

Released: November 16, 1984

Runtime: 1Hour 40Minutes

Rated R

Director: Paul Justman

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Available: VHS

Checkered Flag or Crash (1977)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 2 out of 10

4-Word Review: Drivers race off-road.

Walkaway Madden (Joe Don Baker) is a lifelong racer who has just broken up with his racing partner of many years and is now going solo, or at least he thinks he is until reporter C.C. Wainwright (Susan Sarandon) arrives and tells him that the company who sponsors his car has hired her to cover the race for their newspaper and thus she’ll be riding along with him. Walkaway isn’t too happy about this as he has very old-fashioned, sexist ideas about a ‘woman’s place’, but begrudgingly accepts it as he has no other choice. Together the two take part in a grueling off-road race that is organized by Bo Cochran (Larry Hagman) and takes them through some of the most treacherous terrain of the Philippines.

The movie might’ve been more exciting had the racing footage been better captured. Instead we get treated to choppy shots of random car wipeouts and flashing, poorly focused images of vehicles buzzing through various locales while shown in a grainy film stock. The editing is so quick that it’s hard to follow what is going on and the only time it is ever impressive is when the camera gets tied to the front of the vehicle and we see firsthand just how bumpy and fast a ride like that must be, but this shot unfortunately is only brief.

There is little or no backstory to any of the racers and therefore no emotionally compelling reason to cheer for any of them. There is also too many of them and all are generic, transparent characters, so when you see someone wipeout it’s hard to remember which one it is, or even care. I did kind of like Daina House as a woman with beautiful model-like features who dresses in all black and just as tough as any of the guys, but her character isn’t shown or played-up enough.

The best thing about the film is the presence of Sarandon who lends a necessary grounded anchor to the silliness that surrounds her. Hagman is terrific as the hyper race promoter and every scene he is in is far more entertaining than any of the racing footage. Baker isn’t bad either. He certainly isn’t any A-list actor, but a very competent B one, who seems at ease in both comedy and action parts.

The film shifts clumsily between being silly and gritty and would’ve done better had it stuck to a more consistent tone. It’s also cheap and amateurish with a terrible, country tinged title tune that gets played throughout. The only reason it gets 2 points is simply for the performances of its three leads.

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My Rating: 2 out of 10

Released: June 3, 1977

Runtime: 1Hour 31Minutes

Rated PG

Director: Alan Gibson

Studio: Universal

Available: None at this time.

Who Killed Mary Whats’ername? (1971)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 3 out of 10

4-Word Review: Who killed the prostitute?

Mickey (Red Buttons) is a retired diabetic boxer who is appalled to learn that a prostitute was killed in her apartment and no one seems to care. He decides to do the investigation himself and even moves in to her old place. He inquiries about her amongst the locals and begins to get a few leads including that of a young filmmaker named Alex (Sam Waterson) who may have inadvertently filmed her leaving with her eventual killer. Soon Mickey’s grown daughter Della (Alice Playten) and Val (Conrad Bain), a man he meets at a bar, are helping him in his quest, but the things they learn only reinforce how unpleasant and dangerous a hooker’s life can be.

I commend the attempt at taking a gritty look at a seedy lifestyle and its open-minded approach to the women who are in it, but the film’s poor execution makes the whole thing come off as quite amateurish and even laughable. Why a man in his 50’s would become so obsessed with finding the killer of a woman he has never known and only reads about in a newspaper is quite hard to fathom. There are probably hundreds of prostitutes that share similarly sad fates, so why get so revved up about this one? The fact that he is able to get his grown daughter and another man he meets randomly at a bar to help him investigate seems equally unbelievable and the way they are conveniently able to find clues and connect-the-dots before solving the case comes off as too easy.

The action sequences, especially the opening one in which we see the prostitute getting killed, are poorly staged and filled with chopping editing that makes it hard-to-follow and phony looking. When the 50-year-old Buttons takes on a gang of young bikers, which are led by Earl Hindman who later became famous for playing the neighbor on ‘Home Improvement’ whose face was always obscured by a fence, it becomes downright silly. Sure the Buttons character has a background in boxing, but that still doesn’t mean he can take on four guys who are twice his size and the sound effects used for the punches are overdone and cartoon-like.

A similar issue occurs when Buttons saves a prostitute from an abusive pimp while Alex films it. The first time this occurs it is mildly diverting, but then when he saves another one, who is being beaten up by some of the old ladies in the neighborhood, it becomes redundant and corny.

The resolution, in which the killer turns out to be someone no one suspected, is flat and forgettable. It is also poorly thought out as he admits to the Buttons character that he killed the two women because he didn’t want any potential witnesses, but then doesn’t bother to kill Buttons or at least make sure he is dead even after he divulges his secret to him. The killer then just casually walks away without ever allowing the viewer to know if he was caught and charged with the crimes.

My Rating: 3 out of 10

Released: November 12, 1971

Runtime: 1Hour 30Minutes

Rated GP

Director: Ernest Pintoff

Studio: Cannon Film Distributors

Available: None at this time.

Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 0 out of 10

4-Word Review: She fucks a doll.

Helen Black (Shirley L. Jones) is a devoutly religious woman living alone and spending most of her time going to church while also believing sex should only be within the bounds of marriage. One day she visits an antique store and spots a puppet that catches her fancy. She decides to buy it despite vague warnings by the store clerk that it possesses strange powers. When she brings it home it suddenly comes alive, ties her up and begins having sex with her, which she finds that she actually enjoys. When the doll disappears she decides to throw away her religion and become the neighborhood slut instead by picking up strange men wherever she can find them and bringing them back home for raunchy action.

This movie could best be described as the low budget, soft core porn version of Trilogy of Terror and while the story has some outrageously voyeuristic elements the production quality is so poor that it never allows the viewer to get into it. The whole thing is shot on a grainy VHS tape giving it a very amateurish look from the get-go. Certain scenes are out-of-focus and director Chester Novell Turner seems to have no understanding of editing as the camera pans wildly when simply cutting to a certain shot would’ve made more sense. There is a lot of extraneous footage as well including watching Jones walking down the sidewalk that seems to go on endlessly and an overplayed thumping music score that becomes headache inducing.

Just about all the action takes place in Helen’s cramped, rundown home, which has no visual appeal whatsoever. The sex scenes are gross and all the nudity comes from star Jones who is not exactly model quality or someone you’d want to see naked.

The only interesting aspect is the doll itself especially with its vulgar dialogue, but unfortunately he’s not in it enough. The effects used to create him are botched as it is clear when it gets shown from behind that it is not a puppet at all, but a small child, or in this case the director’s nephew.

Sitting through this is an arduous challenge. IMDb lists the runtime as 1Hour and 10Minutes, but the version I saw went almost a full 90 minutes. Some may find a few cheap laughs at the beginning due to its technical ineptness, but watching it all the way through becomes torturous and makes having sex with a puppet, or even killed by one seem enjoyable by comparison.

My Rating: 0 out of 10

Released: August 5, 1984 (straight-to-video)

Runtime: 1Hour 27Minutes

Not Rated

Director: Chester Novell Turner

Not Rated

Available: DVD

Another Nice Mess (1972)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 2 out of 10

4-Word Review: Spiro and Tricky Dick.

This film is an odd, misfired concoction from writer/director Bob Einstein (Albert Brooks’ older brother) who had just won an Emmy for his writing on ‘The Smothers Brothers Show’ and decided to try his creative muscle at filmmaking. The idea might’ve seemed clever at the time, but it has not aged well. The premise has President Richard Nixon (played by Rich Little) and Vice President Spiro Agnew (played by Herb Voland) behaving like Laurel and Hardy and spending the entire runtime going through some of that classic duo’s more famous routines.

If you were alive during Nixon’s administration than this may come off as being a bit funnier than to those who weren’t however, taking potshots at the President is no longer fresh and for the most part even a bit tiring to watch. The vaudeville-like routines are predictable and this thing had me bored two-minutes in and even with its brief running time still was a major drag to sit through.

Voland is much funnier than Little and seems to imitate the comic legend of Stan Laurel far better than Little does with Hardy, but the characters are played up to be completely moronic and having to watch them do and say one mind numbingly stupid thing after another becomes very one-dimensional.

The film Hail was a Nixon satire that came out around the same time, but that film fared much better and was even quite clever at times. The main reason was that they had a plot while this one is just a non-stop gag reel with a first-graders level of sophistication.

If there’s one redeeming quality for watching this it would be in seeing Steve Martin in his film debut playing a hippie. He doesn’t have his patented white hair here and instead it’s long, curly and brown. I probably wouldn’t have even recognized him if it weren’t for his voice and mannerisms.

My Rating: 2 out of 10

Released: September 22, 1972

Runtime: 1Hour 6Minutes

Rated PG

Director: Bob Einstein

Studio: Fine Films

Available: None at this time.

Hollywood Cop (1987)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 2 out of 10

4-Word Review: Renegade cop saves child.

When Rebecca (Julie Schoenhofer) has her child Stevie (Brandon Angle) kidnapped by gangsters she finds that the police are of no help. Then she meets Turkey (David Goss) a cop that likes to work outside the system and he soon takes on the bad guys single-handedly even after it gets him fired from the force by his supervisor (Cameron Mitchell) who does not appreciate Turkey’s renegade ways.

A sleep inducing, run-of-the-mill action flick that was made to cash in on the popularity of Dirty Harry and the ‘Miami Vice’ TV-show with the Turkey character being a warped combination of Harry Callahan and Sonny Crockett. The plot is banal and the action redundant with a pounding, cheesy soundtrack that would be better suited for an ‘80’s porn movie.  Despite a few opening shots photographing Tinsletown’s iconic imagery the majority of the action take place in cheap looking backlots where the crew could film without having to get a permit and thus making the setting of the story and film’s title pointless as the whole thing could’ve just as easily taken place in Omaha, Nebraska and been just as effective or in this case ineffective.

The only thing that is slightly diverting is the casting of the small child who looks to be no older than five, but gets a major chunk of screen time and whose acting is far superior to that of his older co-stars. The scene where he has a ‘conversation’ with a Doberman that is guarding him and his attempts to ‘make friends’ with the animal can be considered depending on one’s perspective as being either endearing or laughably ridiculous. My only real complaint with him is the fact that he gets backhanded several times by the bad guys and even bleeds from the nose and mouth and yet he never cries. There is simply no way a young child of that age wouldn’t immediately break out into tears if they were hit like that and the fact that he doesn’t makes the already hokey scenario seem all the more fake.

Goss is terrible in the lead with his acting coming off almost as badly as his perm hairdo. Why the character is given such a stupid nickname as Turkey is never explained, but would’ve worked better as the film’s title instead. Schoenhofer is equally pathetic as the boy’s mother and her attempts at showing distress look more like someone suffering from stomach pains. I was also confused how an ordinary suburban housewife would be so adept at using a gun or expertly able to drive a speeding car during their chase with the gangsters.

Jim Mitchum, who is the son of the legendary actor Robert Mitchum and looks just like him, gets listed as the film’s star despite having very little time in front of the camera.

It’s hard to imagine how anyone even the most undemanding viewer could find this thing ‘cool’, or that the filmmakers actually thought there would be people out there who would like it. Good for a few unintentional laughs and that’s it although the film’s biggest joke is its opening title sequence in which every actor in the cast gets their name listed in a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame, which is funny since none of these actors could ever come close to getting their own star in real-life.

My Rating: 2 out of 10

Released: September 22, 1987

Runtime: 1Hour 40Minutes

Not Rated

Director: Amir Shervan

Studio: Peacock Films

Available: DVD-R

 

Below the Belt (1980)

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By Richard Winters

My Rating: 4 out of 10

4-Word Review: Waitress becomes a wrestler.

Rosa (Regina Baff) works as a waitress at a sports arena who one day catches the eye of wrestling promoter Bobby Fox (John C. Beecher) after she decks a guy who tries to get fresh with her. Fox is in need for a new wrestler to promote and feels she’d make a perfect fit despite her having no experience in the sport. Since she is bored with her job and low on funds she decides to take him up on his offer, but finds that life in the wrestling world can be quite lonely and grueling and the promises of fame and fortune are fleeting.

Unlike Grunt! The Wrestling Movie, which was reviewed last week, this movie does not take a fan’s perspective of the business nor does it get caught up in the colorful caricatures or silly storylines. Instead it reveals a rather bleak look at the hardships faced by those working the circuit and how emotionally and physically taxing it can be living on the road and going paycheck-to-paycheck. In fact there is more footage shown of them behind-the-scenes preparing for a bout than an actual match although the climax does feature Rosa, dubbed the Mexican Spitfire, taking on defending champion Terrible Tommy (played by real-life wrestler Jane O’Brien) who plays dirty, doesn’t have any front teeth and even beats up on the referee.

Comical moments get spread throughout, but they tend to get overplayed and don’t work. What grabbed me was the main character and how relatable her situation was particularly the way her life was unfocused and her inability to stick with any job for too long, which her boyfriend and father nag her about, but then when she tells them about her new found wrestling passion they scoff and show no support. I also liked how the film examines both side of the age spectrum including Thalia (K.C. Townsend) who lies about her age and pretends to be older than she is simply so she can escape her tedious small-town life and get into the wrestling circuit, which she considers her ‘big break’ while on the other end there’s Verne (Sierra Pecheur) who’s in her late 30’s and been in the business for many years and now feels trapped and unable to get out.

Baff, with her plain looks, is a good representation of the average young woman still struggling for direction, but her thin body made me think she wouldn’t be able to handle the rigor of the sport in real-life. Shirley Stoler is on the opposite end as she was quite overweight and humorously carries around a handgun with her to fight off all the would-be rapists that she feels are lurking in the shadows and ready to attack her at any minute. Dolph Sweet is also memorable as an aging wrestler who reluctantly realizes that the business and his passion for it have passed him by.

There’s a heavy dose of blues music that gets played frequently throughout. To some extent the soundtrack, with songs sung by Billy Preston, Jennifer Holliday and the Voices of Deliverance, lends flavor and distinction to the proceedings, but it also ends up becoming overdone and intrusive in a film that is alright, but tries a little too hard to make its point.

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My Rating: 4 out of 10

Released: December 10, 1980 (Filmed in 1974)

Runtime: 1Hour 34Minutes

Rated R

Director: Robert Fowler

Studio: Atlantic Releasing Corporation

Available: VHS

Grunt! The Wrestling Movie (1985)

grunt

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 4 out of 10

4-Word Review: Who is masked wrestler?

On October 13, 1979 Mad Dog Joe De Curso (Greg ‘Magic’ Schwarz) has a violent wrestling match with defending champion Skull Crusher Johnson (Greg Rivera). During the melee Johnson accidently gets his head stuck in the ringside ropes where Mad Dog decapitates him with one swift kick. The wrestling world then goes into an uproar with the biting question on everyone’s mind ‘Does a defending champion lose his title when he loses his head?’ that nobody, not even the commissioner seems willing to answer. After spending 90 days in jail Mad Dog gets released, but suffers from severe depression and eventually jumps to his death off of a bridge. Yet documentary filmmaker Leslie Uggams (Jeff Dial) thinks that Mad Dog is still alive and working under the disguise of a masked wrestler whose identity is unknown. Uggams begins a crusade of trying to unravel the mystery by interviewing those who knew Mad Dog best while also following the masked wrestler around to his events and trying to get to know both him and his French lady manager Angel Face (Lydie Denier).

The first 10 minutes of this thing is brilliantly bizarre that has just the right mix of offbeat humor, wrestling action and cinematic quality to make it interesting, original and hilarious. I am no wrestling fan myself, but director Allan Holzman manages, at least in the opening segment, to draw the uninitiated into the wrestling world by unfolding all the side dramas, storylines and over-the-top characters that fans of the spectacle find so enjoyable. The bit is also filmed in black-and-white with a sort-of foggy back drop that helps give it a surreal effect while also playfully making fun of the event and those who watch it.

Unfortunately the remainder of the movie is unable to sustain that same momentum becoming instead an overplayed one-joke that goes nowhere. It also spends too much time in the ring where the viewer is forced to watch one wrestling bout after another until it becomes more like a pay-per-view event than a movie.

One of the few non wrestling segments that I did enjoy is when the masked man and Angel Face go onto Wally George’s ‘Hot Seat’ TV-Program. George was a notoriously combative conservative talk show host during the ‘80s and the precursor to Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly. He was also the father to actress Rebecca De Mornay who has spent her entire career trying desperately to downplay that fact. Liberal guests would come onto his show and almost immediately be berated before being thrown off, which is what happens to the masked man and Angel Face, but not before George gets into the masked man’s face and demands he take it off, which is pretty funny.

Adrian Street, a wrestler who dresses in drag, is a scene stealer and the segment with the masked man being interviewed on his show is equally good. I also enjoyed Denier as the rambunctious manager who flashes an opposing player during one of the mask man’s wrestling matches and carries around a pet poodle who wears a mask similar to her clients.

The scene involving a bout between two lady wrestlers with the song ‘She Was a Mighty Big Girl for Her Age’ is good and the match where the masked man takes on four dwarf wrestlers is an absolute howl, but the film is geared too much to the hardcore fan and those with very little interest in the ‘sport’ will find it off-putting and overtly silly.

My Rating: 4 out of 10

Released: November 24, 1985

Runtime: 1Hour 29Minutes

Rated R

Director: Allan Holzman

Studio: New World Pictures

Available: VHS, DVD-R, Amazon Instant Video

The Happiness Cage (1972)

mind snatchers

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 5 out of 10

4-Word Review: They control his mind.

Christopher Walken plays James Reese a veteran of the Vietnam War who has issues with aggression. After numerous arrests he gets shipped off to a hospital in Europe run by Dr. Frederick (Joss Ackland) and overseen by a U.S. General (Ralph Meeker). There they do tests on the patients by implanting special devices into their brains that connects to their pleasure centers and can quell their aggressive behavior by having them feel a pleasurable sensation every time a button is pressed from a remote.

Walken’s performance is outstanding and Ronny Cox as his fellow patient is also quite good especially the part where he has the device implanted into his own brain, which turns him into a sad, pathetic, child-like state. Bette Henritze gives an interesting performance as well as a naïve, middle-aged nurse hired to make the patient’s stay more ‘happy’ by supplying them with books and board games only to be attacked and raped by Cox and then forced to play a game of checkers with him afterwards.

The story, which was based on a play by Dennis Reardon, certainly has its moments. In fact I was surprised how caught up into I got since the production values are close to appalling. The film was shot in Denmark in a building that looks like it was formerly a rundown mansion converted into a makeshift hospital for the sake of the movie. It all looks embarrassingly cheap and the idea of having a big hospital with a full-time staff and even a barbed wire fence and guard dogs, but only three patients is quite hard to believe.

Had the budget been bigger it might’ve been able to reach a broader audience. Bernard Girard’s direction is okay for the limitations that he was given, but the film’s faded, grainy stock and overall amateurish look becomes a turn off from the beginning and something that it cannot overcome. The plot itself is interesting, but the concept has been filmed before and with better results.

Alternate Title: The Mind Snatchers

My Rating: 5 out of 10

Released: June 28, 1972

Runtime: 1Hour 32Minutes

Rated PG

Director: Bernard Girard

Studio: Cinerama Releasing Corporation

Available: DVD, Amazon Instant Video