Tag Archives: Joyce Van Patten

Bone (1972)

bone

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 8 out of 10

4-Word Review: Black man terrorizes couple.

Bill (Andrew Duggan) is a slimy used car salesmen residing in Beverly Hills with his bickering wife Bernadette (Joyce Van Patten). He spots a rat in his pool and initially thinks a black man, who calls himself Bone (Yaphet Kotto), is there to remove it. However, Bone has other ideas as he accosts the couple and forces them back inside their luxurious home and begins ransacking it in an effort to find some money. When he is unable to he instructs Bill to go to the bank and take out all the money he has there and come back with it, or he’ll rape his wife. Bill immediately does as he’s instructed, but along the way starts to think he’d be better off without her and decides to not to take the money out and instead goes on ‘a date’ with a young woman (Jeannie Berlin) that he meets while standing in line at the bank. When the other two realize they’ve been had they then conspire to track Bill down and kill him in an effort to collect on his life insurance money.

This was the directorial debut of Larry Cohen who up until this time was mainly known for writing teleplays for many popular TV-series from the 60’s. While he is now famous for doing campy, low budget horror flicks this feature was far different from those and leans more in the arena of black comedy without much suspense. The story though is laced with a lot of social commentary, which is what stands it out and it’s just a shame that this has gotten lost in shuffle with all of his other efforts, some of which were quite cheesy, while this one has some impactful moments and signs of a serious filmmaker with strong potential.

The film though does have a few drawbacks, which I’ll get out of the way first. An ethically dubious car salesman is probably the oldest cliche out there as well as a bickering rich, white couple making the premise seem a bit predictable. The husband and wife are shown to be at odds immediately and thus there’s no surprise then when hubby decides not to try and save her.

While Kotto is certainly a big guy he still should’ve come with a weapon (a gun, or at the very least a knife) and the fact that he’s able to take control, so quickly without one makes it seem a bit too easy.  He just pops-in as if he were a genie, a few shots showing him casing the neighborhood would’ve helped alleviate this, and he should’ve been wearing a mask to disguise his identity, unless he was planning to kill them, but without a weapon that wasn’t likely to happen. He’s also able to find incriminating financial information about the hubby a bit too conveniently as this is a big house and yet within a matter of two minutes he comes upon it, which seemed too rushed.

The excellent acting though more than makes up for these other issues. Duggan certainly looks the part of an aging, compromised suburban businessman whose eaten up with guilt and depression. While only 49 at the time he appears more like 69 and I could’ve done without the scene where he runs down the street topless making his sagging skin and chest muscles quite evident. Van Patten is equally terrific and surprisingly goes fully nude in a well-shot and edited assault moment. Jeannie Berlin has some fine moments too as a gal Duggan picks-up who initially seems quite ditzy, but eventually reveals a very sad and painful experience from her past, which manages to be quite profound. Kotto too is good particularly his sinister smile even though Paul Winfield was the original choice and I think would’ve been better, but Cohen found his acting to be ‘too genteel’, so he went with Kotto instead.

What I really liked were the segues and intermittent cutaways that help reveal the darker side to the Duggan character like his imaginary car commercials were he starts to see bloody crash victims inside the vehicles he’s trying to sell. The imagery showing a German Shepheard dog that he used for those commercials and what he ultimately does with him is also quite alerting. The shots dealing with their adult son in jail and the climactic sequence in some sand dunes are quite strong to the extent it gives the movie a powerful punch at the end and makes it almost criminal that this isn’t better known.

Alternate Titles: Housewife, Dial Rat for Terror

Released: July 22, 1972

Runtime: 1 Hour 35 Minutes

Rated R

Director: Larry Cohen

Studio: Jack H. Harris Enterprises

Available: DVD, Amazon Video, Tubi

Water (1985)

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 4 out of 10

4-Word Review: Island nation fights back.

Governor Baxter Thwaites (Michael Caine) runs the British Colony island of Cascara a largely peaceful place that is mostly ignored by everyone else. Then one day one of the oil rigs on the island taps into a underground reservoir of water that has all of its impurities already removed. The delicious tasting drink, that can also be used as a laxative, becomes much sought after from bottling companies across the globe. Now suddenly the British government wants everyone on the island to move out and find some other island to live on while taking over and turning this one into a profit making venture.

The film is patterned after many British satires of the 50’s through the 70’s like The Bed Sitting Room and O Lucky Man that mixes in wacky characters with absurd comic scenarios and also trying to make sharp political observations in-between. Unfortunately this film, which is based on a story by Bill Persky who appears briefly as a TV director, goes soft and is too similar in its vapid tone to Persky’s other social satire flop, Serial, which came out 5 years earlier. The message is too ambiguous and the plot too cluttered with insignificant characters that it becomes almost nonsensical.

The characters are so eccentric that the viewer cannot identify with, or care about any of them. The film in a way comes off as almost racist since the island is populated with black people, but the main characters are all white while the blacks folks get completely pushed into the background. If anything the viewer could’ve sided with the islanders and their quest to protect their homeland, but since all focus is put on the British people who control them, that never happens.

The eclectic cast is the only thing that somewhat holds it together. Brenda Vaccaro, who normally plays in dramatic roles, is very funny as Caine’s feisty wife although I could’ve down without her misguided accent. Valerie Perrine, with her clear blue eyes is fun too as an idealistic social activist although she was already in her 40’s at the time in a role which would’ve been better served by someone in their late teens or early 20’s.

Caine on-the-other-hand isn’t all that entertaining with the exception of the scenes showing him wearing a cocked hat, which are amusing.  He at least seems more comfortable here than in Blame it on Rio, which he did the same year as this one, but due to the subject matter in that one he clearly looked quite awkward and stiff while here he’s having a fun time even if the audience really isn’t.

This also marks the last feature film appearance of Leonard Rossiter, who died in his dressing while waiting to go on stage in a play he was in just a few months after completing his filming here. Normally he’s enjoyable to watch even when he’s playing a stuffy character, which is what he usually did anyways, but here he’s too much of a jerk and I did not find him to be humorous or interesting in any way.

If there is one person that ultimately does comes-off best it would be Billy Connelly who’s hilarious as this rebel leader who refuses to speak and instead communicates everything through singing. Dick Shawn is also quite good as this arrogant actor whose career has declined and now forced, much to his dismay, to being a spokesperson for informercials. You can also spot Joyce Van Patten very briefly in an uncredited role as a TV news reporter.

George Harrison, who also produced the film, appears near the end playing the bass guitar in front of political leaders at the UN while Ringo Starr handles the drums and Eric Clapton does the vocals, but the movie would’ve been more entertaining had all three of them been given roles to play, or at  least it couldn’t have hurt. The film’s title is a bit misleading too as the water ultimately has nothing to do with what saves the island from takeover, or allows them to keep their independence.

My Rating: 4 out of 10

Released: January 11, 1985

Runtime: 1 Hour 55 Minutes

Rated PG-13

Director: Dick Clement

Studio: Atlantic Releasing Corporation

Available: DVD

“something big” (1971)

something big 1

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 4 out of 10

4-Word Review: Kidnapping the colonel’s wife.

Joe Baker (Dean Martin) is an aging bandit looking to do “something big”. He becomes aware of a hoard of treasure being hidden inside a church that sits just across the border and safely guarded by a throne of Mexican bandits. Joe figures that to be able to overpower them he’ll need a Gatling gun and turns to black market dealer Jonny Cobb (Albert Salmi) who agrees to sell him one in exchange for a woman as he’s been without the company of one for “too long”. Joe then begins robbing stagecoaches in a mission to find a woman attractive enough for Jonny’s tastes. After several attempts he finds one who just happens to be the wife of the cavalry colonel (Brian Keith) who then goes on a mission to rescue her while attempting to put a kibosh on Joe’s plans.

This is another film that was given a ‘bomb’ rating by Leonard Maltin that I didn’t think was all that desrved. It’s certainly no classic but James Lee Barrett’s script if full of dry humor and offbeat touches that manages to keep things consistently amusing. Some of my favorite bits include Martin traveling around with a small pooch in his saddle pocket, or his horse having gold crown teeth. Don Knight as his Scottish travel companion Tommy who carries his bagpipes with him at all times and will even occasionally play them as they enter new frontier towns is funny too.

Keith is spot-on as the slightly stuffy colonel who is stuck with incompetent underlings and just wants to move on with his impending retirement in peace, but can’t. His facial expressions alone are terrific and he gives a far more nuanced performance than co-star Martin and should’ve been given top billing.

The attractive and sassy Honor Blackman is great as Keith’s wife and could easily be considered a ‘milf’ by today’s male audience. Joyce Van Patten and Judi Meredith as two women living on a lonely ranch willing to have sex with any man that comes along, including the uptight colonel, are quite funny as is Salmi with his garishly discolored, tobacco stained teeth.

The climax features some nifty gun action including seeing Martin use his Gatling gun to shoot down the bandits in domino-like fashion, but for the most part the script is too leisurely paced and in desperate need of more confrontation and elaborate scenarios. Marvin Hamlisch’s soft-rock score is out-of-place for the time period and the theme song sung by former Paul Revere and the Raiders front man Mark Lindsey doesn’t have any type of western feel to it. I also got tired of hearing the phrase “something big” mentioned over and over again. Initially it seemed cute and clever to repeat the film’s title in the dialogue, but it eventually goes overboard.

My Rating: 4 out of 10

Released: November 24, 1971

Runtime: 1Hour 48Minutes

Rated GP

Director: Andrew V. McLaglen

Studio: National General Pictures

Available: DVD

Making It (1971)

making it 2

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 5 out of 10

4-Word Review: Teen enjoys seducing women.

Phil (Kristoffer Tabori) is a cocky, self-centered teen who uses his good looks to get practically any girl he wants into bed with him. He even has a fling with the wife of his basketball coach, but when he thinks he has gotten one of them pregnant things begin to spiral out-of-control especially when his emotionally fragile mother (Joyce Van Patten) starts to have some ‘problems’ of her own.

Peter Bart’s script, which is based on James Leigh’s novel ‘What Can You Do?’ has some incisive comments, but surprisingly it’s more on being middle age than adolescence. It shows with a depressing clarity what a thankless, pain-in-the-ass the middle age years can be and how people at that stage secretly wish to go back to their teens if only to experience for a fleeting moment the carefreeness and idealism once again.

The on-location shooting done at West Mesa High School in Albuquerque, New Mexico nicely captures the gorgeous, crystal blue skies of that region. The students are made up of actual teens that look and behave very much like teens of today. However, John Erman’s direction is lackluster and flat. Everything is shot in a conventional, unimaginative way with a pace that is slow and only manages to improve towards the end when it becomes dramatic.

Phil’s spirited debate with his English teacher, played by Lawrence Pressman, is engaging as is a rebellious student played by Bob Balaban arguing with his beleaguered principal (David Doyle) about his right not to have to stand at attention during the pledge of allegiance. The film is also famous for the novelty of casting real-life siblings Dick and Joyce Van Patten as lovers and includes a sequence showing him kissing her on the mouth, which had to be awkward to perform let alone rehearse.

Tabori, who is the son of actress Viveca Lindfors and Dirty Harry director Don Siegel shows an impressive amount of composure and maturity for such a young age, but I wasn’t so sure I liked the sound of his voice. Louise Latham, who plays the mother of the girl Phil thinks he might have impregnated, is memorable and had her part been just a wee bit bigger she would have easily stolen the whole thing. She is also involved in the film’s funniest moment where she asks Phil for some weed and thinking she doesn’t know “grass from her ass” he decides to take a regular cigarette, roll it up like a joint, light it and then let her smoke it where she  ends up getting a ‘high’ anyways.

The film’s staple though is its twist ending that is genuinely shocking and most likely to leave even the most jaded viewer’s mouth agape. It could’ve been played out a little more, but remains nasty nonetheless and it’s something you’re guaranteed not to see in any other movie. It is also the one thing that gives this otherwise undistinguished teen flick a kick and probably explains why it has never been released on either VHS or DVD nor ever shown on broadcast network television.

making it 1

My Rating: 5 out of 10

Released: March 21, 1971

Runtime: 1Hour 31Minutes

Rated R

Director: John Erman

Studio: 20th Century Fox

Available: None at this time.