Monthly Archives: June 2015

Light Blast (1985)

light blast 2

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 2 out of 10

4-Word Review: Erik Estrada saves Frisco.

A crazed scientist (Ennio Girolami) has created a laser gun that can melt people on contact. He uses it to kill a couple and then threatens to do the same to the entire city of San Francisco unless the mayor can come up with $10 million dollars. Rugged, renegade cop Ronn Warren (Erik Estrada) is assigned to track the culprit down and that he does while careening down the city streets in a race car.

The only interesting aspect about this movie is that it stars Estrada the one time big TV star from his heyday on the ‘CHiPs’ TV-series. I never cared much for that show and the only thing that I’ve seen him in where I enjoyed him was in the reality series ‘The Surreal Life’ where I found him to be humble and laid back, which I suppose happens to one when they have a long line of movies like these to their credit. I remember in the late 70’s he was considered an up-and-coming star and was known to have big ego fits on the set, which eventually lead to his co-star Larry Wilcox quitting. Then once the series ended he was trapped doing low grade stuff like this, which makes me wonder; can you really call it a ‘movie career’ if no one has seen the movies that you’ve done?

Overall if you approach this with decidedly low expectations then this film, which was produced by an Italian production company, but still filmed on-location in Frisco, is okay. Watching the laser melt people is entertaining as a sort-of cheap version of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The action is choreographed well enough to be mildly exciting and the budget isn’t so low that it makes everything look cheap. Estrada’s manning of a race car down the city streets at the end is fun, but highly improbable that he would be able to drive into oncoming traffic and not be hit or be able to find a car that was being stored inside a truck that would conveniently have its keys in the ignition and fully tanked up with gas.

The film’s biggest transgression is that it’s too predictable. It’s like they’ve stolen every other formulaic element from every other cop movie and then crammed it into this one. Estrada is dull and the actor playing the bad guy is equally bland making this at best a passable time waster.

My Rating: 2 out of 10

Released: August 13, 1985

Runtime: 1Hour 26Minutes

Rated R

Director: Enzo G. Castellari

Studio: Overseas FilmGroup

Available: DVD

In God We Tru$t (1980)

IN GOD WE TRUST, Marty Feldman, 1980, (c) Universal

IN GOD WE TRUST, Marty Feldman, 1980, (c) Universal

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 3 out of 10

4-Word Review: Monk travels to L.A.

With his monastery in desperate need of money Brother Ambrose (Marty Feldman) is sent out into the secular world for the first time in order to find donations to help keep the place solvent. Unfortunately he travels to southern California where the wild and jaded lifestyles of the people come as a shock to him. He meets Mary (Louise Lasser) a hooker who takes him into her home and the two eventually fall in love, but he also comes into contact with the nefarious Armageddon T. Thunderbird (Andy Kaufman) a televangelist who wants to exploit the naïve Ambrose for his own gain.

Feldman with his famous buggy eyes is a delight and the fact that he did all of his own stunts, some of which were dangerous including having him dragged down a busy city behind a truck while clutching a rope and standing on a skateboard does indeed deserve credit for bravery, but his character is too annoyingly naïve. A full grown man is going to know about sex regardless if he is a monk or not and he is certainly going to know what female breast are. By having the character so incredibly out-of-touch with the jaded world makes him seem inhuman and like an alien from another planet, which isn’t funny even on a farcical level and an insult to anyone who has chosen a spiritual or more isolated lifestyle.

This pretty much explains the problem with the whole film as the satire is too broad. Poking fun at corrupt street preachers and televangelists is nothing new and thus this thing becomes derivative and one-dimensional from the very beginning. The movie also shifts awkwardly from silly slapstick to parody with running gags that become tiring and certain other bits that seem better suited for a kiddie flick.

There is very little that is genuinely funny although seeing two street preachers ram their vehicles into each other in a sort-of pissing match is amusing as is Peter Boyle’s ventriloquist act using a dummy made to look like Moses. The final scene with Richard Pryor as a computerized version of God and Feldman’s attempts to convert him to Christianity isn’t bad either.

The real scene stealer though is Kaufman who with a bouffant blonde wig plays the perfect caricature of a greedy preacher and I loved his meltdown during one of his religious broadcasts. I also got a kick out of his sink, which has one faucet for cold another for hot and then a third for holy water.

The casting of Lasser as a prostitute was great because she doesn’t fit the caricature of an 80’s Hollywood hooker and has more of the realistic and less flattering looks of an actual streetwalker. However, the film is a grab bag of hit-or-miss jokes many of which fall flat and with a runtime that is much too long for such slight material.

My Rating: 3 out of 10

Released: September 26, 1980

Runtime: 1Hour 38Minutes

Rated PG

Director: Marty Feldman

Studio: Universal

Available: VHS

Rappin’ (1985)

rappin 2

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 1 out of 10

4-Word Review: Rapper saves the neighborhood.

John (Mario Van Peebles) has just been released from jail and looking to stay out of trouble while living with his grandmother (Eyde Byrde) and finding a job. He reluctantly gets involved in trying to save his poor neighborhood from a greedy developer (Harry Goz) who wants to turn it into a shopping mall while also dealing with his former girlfriend Dixie (Tasia Valenza) who works for a record label and wants to sign him to a rap record deal.

This film was released at the height of the rap craze with the idea that any movie dealing with the subject would be a sure fire hit no matter how pathetic. Overall it’s as bad as it sounds and maybe even worse. The characters and scenarios are simplistic and contrived while having a family friendly tone to it that turns the rap art form into just another watered-down marketing ploy to get people into the seats.

Van Peebles, who is the son of renown independent filmmaker Melvin Van Peebles, is extremely weak in the lead as he has too much of a clean-cut persona and unable to even do his own rapping as it was all dubbed by Master Gee. Valenza is quite cute as the love interest and I liked that they had an interracial relationship without it having to be a source of controversy or attention.  Ice-T can also be seen briefly during a rap audition and looking like he hasn’t aged at all.

The film does have the novelty of showing a ‘dance-off’ between two members of a street gang that is amusingly goofy. The climatic sequence has all the city council members joining in on a group rap and the credits, which is probably my favorite part of the movie, features the majority of the cast, which includes some of the older, white folks, doing their own rapping as their names get scrolled over the screen.

rappin 1

My Rating: 1 out of 10

Released: May 11, 1985

Runtime: 1Hour 32Minutes

Rated PG

Director: Joel Silberg

Studio: Cannon Pictures

Available: DVD

Road House (1989)

roadhouse

By Richard Winters

My Rating: 3 out of 10

4-Word Review: Bouncer cleans up bar.

After opening up a bar in a small town outside of Kansas City Tilghman (Kevin Tighe) looks to find a bouncer strong enough to handle the tough clientele and yet smart enough to run the staff and stay out of harm. He turns to Dalton (Patrick Swayze) whose reputation meets his standards. Dalton wastes no time in cleaning up the bar and making it profitable, but when the town bully who is a rich and unscrupulous businessman name Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara) wants in on the action things become quite ugly quite quickly.

Had this film been done as a parody of all those macho 80’s action flicks this thing could’ve been brilliant as the over-the-top ingredients are already there, but instead it takes itself seriously and ends up being unintentionally funny. Everything gets played up to the extreme. The characterizations are broad while the story elements are predictable and formulaic. Even the fight sequences are stale and tiring although the scene where Wesley has a monster truck crash through a car dealership and crush all the vehicles isn’t bad.

The dopey script is filled with one implausible plot point or cliché after another. I found it hard to believe why Dalton, who makes $500 dollars a night and demands $5,000 upfront, would have to settle for an upper loft of a horse barn for his living quarters, which is too conveniently located across the pond from Wesley’s mansion. Strippers at a small town bar isn’t realistic nor is having a hot babe clientele who are provocatively dressed and looking more in tune for a posh nightclub in some hip cosmopolitan city.

Swayze is dull in the lead and his stoic ‘manliness’ comes off as boring. Sam Elliot who shows up later as one of Dalton’s pals from the past would’ve made the movie much more interesting had he been the star and about 20 years younger. He has a few great lines including the one that he says as he enjoys the derriere of Dalton’s girlfriend as she walks away “That girl has way too many brains to have an ass like that.”

Red West who made a career working as a stunt double makes for an affable everyman playing a shop owner who Dalton befriends. Kelly Lynch is gorgeous as Dalton’s girlfriend and I found her sex scenes with him and brief nudity amusing since she later went on to play the upset mother of a teen porn addict in the infamous Lifetime movie ‘Cyber Seduction’.

Spoiler Alert!

My favorite part was the ending when several of the townspeople get together and take turns shooting at Wesely before ultimately killing him, which is clearly inspired by the real life event that like in the movie occurred in a small town outside of Kansas City. The town was Skidmore, Missouri and on the afternoon of July 10, 1981 the townspeople upset with decades of violence from the town bully named Ken McElroy got together in the main street of town and shot and killed him as he sat in the cab of his pickup and then just like in the movie covered up for each other, so nobody was arrested. The town, which sits in the far reaches of Nodaway county as had a few more strange occurrences since then including a bizarre 2001 disappearance of an 20-year-old who literally vanished into thin air when he went outside to put some jumper cables into a shed and the 2004 killing of a pregnant woman who had her fetus cut out of her womb. I traveled to the place in 2007, but fortunately was able to get through it without incident.

End of Spoiler Warning!

Main street Skidmore, Missouri where the shooting took place on July 10, 1981. Where the white car is parked is roughly where Ken McElroy's pickup was when he was shot. Photo taken by me in 2007.

Main street Skidmore, Missouri where the shooting took place on July 10, 1981. Where the white car is parked is roughly where Ken McElroy’s pickup was when he was shot. Photo taken by me in 2007.

My Rating: 3 out of 10

Released: May 19, 1989

Runtime: 1Hour 54Minutes

Rated R

Director: Rowdy Herrington

Studio: United Artists

Available: VHS, DVD, Blu-ray, Amazon Instant Video